The Nirvik Bureau, Bhubaneswar, 17 January 2025
Oil, Hostages, And Other Accounting Errors
The Glorious Republic of Merica woke up this week to discover that President Ronald J. Tremp had once again defended freedom overseas by dragging it onto his own plane. In the small petro-state of Petrolandia, the local president and his wife were invited for “urgent talks” on a Merican aircraft that then took off before anyone could say “extradition treaty.”.
The Petrolandian oil fields were immediately “secured” by Merican forces in what the Tremp administration insists was not theft, but a “temporary guardianship of combustible democracy.” The oil was sold within days. When journalists asked where the billions went, the Treasury Secretary said, “Into the general fund.” When asked which general, he went suspiciously quiet and looked toward the Tremp Tower International Re-Election & Event Center.
At a rally, Tremp summarized the doctrine: “If bad guys have oil, we take it. If good guys have oil, we protect it. If I have the oil, we call it peace.” The crowd cheered, perhaps because it was that or admit they were applauding daylight robbery televised in HD.
Greenlandia: Because Maps Are Just Shopping Catalogs
Having liberated Petrolandia’s oil from the burden of being in Petrolandia, Tremp turned his gaze northward to Greenlandia, a frigid territory famous for ice, fish, and not requesting Merican occupation. After a briefing where someone mentioned “strategic resources,” Tremp circled Greenlandia on a map and wrote “MINE” in permanent marker.
The Alliance of Mostly Nervous Allies (A.M.N.A.) objected, noting that you generally cannot annex other people’s land just because your leader woke up bored. Tremp responded by threatening to “reconsider” Merica’s role in the alliance, a phrase now understood to mean “burn the house down because someone hid the TV remote.”
His own generals, whose job now consists mostly of preventing World War Three with interpretive dance and creative misunderstandings, pointed out that taking Greenlandia would be logistically complex and strategically questionable. Tremp replied, “The ice loves me. I have a natural connection with cold things.” No one dared mention his poll numbers.
Noble Peas, Silent Executions, And Loud Cowardice
Midweek, Tremp proudly presented his new “Noble Peas Prize,” a plastic medal mailed to him by a foreign opposition leader as a gag. Tremp held a solemn ceremony in the Rose Garden, surrounded by Secret Service and frozen vegetables. “This medal proves I am the greatest peacemaker in history,” he declared, the word “Peas” shining accusingly on his chest.
In the same speech, he claimed to have single-handedly stopped a secret execution in Iranzia. No one in Iranzia had mentioned any planned execution, but details are unhelpful in a miracle. “They were terrified when I started evacuating our troops from Quatarstan,” Tremp said. Intelligence officials later admitted the “evacuation” began after Tremp binge-watched cable news segments about missiles and asked if “maybe we should get our guys out before anyone gets mad at me.”
Whistleblowers describe it differently: a panicked, image-obsessed leader preemptively retreating and then insisting the retreat itself was a masterstroke of courage. Tremp, hearing this characterization, responded, “If I’m a coward, why do I have a medal from peas?”
Tariffs, Tantrums, And The Trempian Peace
On the trade front, Tremp continued his war against countries insufficiently impressed by his greatness. After slapping surprise tariffs on Spiceland for reasons that changed three times in one press conference, its prime minister retaliated with a 40 percent tariff on Merican pulses. Overnight, Mericans discovered that chickpeas could, in fact, be a strategic vulnerability.
Tremp froze trade talks, declaring, “No deal until they stop disrespecting our legumes.” Markets panicked; farmers despaired; diplomats drank. Tremp opened his social media app and typed, “Because of Tremp, the world is at peace. You’re welcome,” then spent the rest of the night watching pundits discuss whether this counted as irony or just emotional vandalism.
Across the globe, leaders met in hushed rooms to discuss how to keep the planet intact while its most powerful man treated foreign policy like a reality show where every episode ends with a cliffhanger and several missing barrels of oil.
In history books yet to be written – assuming history survives – this era will appear under a short chapter title: “The Tremp Years: When the World Discovered That One Man Could Do Anything, As Long As He Called It Peace.”
