The Nirvik Bureau, Bhubaneswar, 19 February 2026
Delhi hosted the AI Impact Summit 2026 this week, proving that while machines may soon become super intelligent, human systems in the capital will remain proudly, aggressively stupid.
The summit, dedicated to discussing the future of artificial intelligence, began with a live demonstration of natural stupidity: an AI-generated traffic plan so advanced that even Google Maps quietly closed the app and went to sleep.
Traffic Jam as Official Partner
The Delhi Police, in collaboration with several barricades and a few plastic cones, attempted to manage the “AI Traffic Protocol.” The result was a city-wide simulation of urban collapse.
- Average commute time: 3 hours per kilometer.
- Average number of U-turns per vehicle: existential.
- Number of people who reached the venue on time: classified as national secret.
One officer was heard explaining, “We have used predictive AI models to manage traffic.” Asked how, he replied, “We predicted there would be traffic. And there is traffic. So the model is successful.”
Attendees were “guided” so efficiently that many walked 6 kilometers just to attend a 45-minute panel on “Optimizing Human Productivity with AI.” By the time they reached, they had personally contributed enough steps to train a fitness app for the next five generations.
Bill Gates.exe Has Stopped Responding
The highlight of Day 1 was supposed to be Bill Gates’ keynote address on “AI for Humanity.” Unfortunately, Bill’s flight appeared to be delayed by a mysterious technical issue called “Epstein Files.”
Organizers announced, with straight faces and crooked explanations, that he had “scheduling constraints.” The schedule, it seems, was constrained by lawyers.
In his absence, a pre-recorded video was played where Gates spoke about ethics, transparency, and accountability in tech — concepts that immediately crashed the conference Wi-Fi due to unfamiliar jargon.
Galgotias & the Great Robodog Revolution
In the “Innovation Showcase” segment, Galgotias University proudly unveiled its masterpiece: a robodog that did… nothing.
The metallic creature, promoted as “India’s answer to Boston Dynamics,” bravely stood on stage, blinking LED eyes and refusing to move. Engineers huddled around, whispering commands like “Sit,” “Walk,” and “At least wag your fake tail, yaar.” The robodog responded by faithfully reenacting the Indian education system: expensive, overhyped, and immobile.
After 20 minutes, a student finally confessed, “Sir, actually it only works when Wi-Fi works.” Since 7,000 attendees were trying to upload selfies at the same time, the dog remained in silent protest, embodying the true spirit of 5G in India.
Then came the twist. Some over-enthusiastic official, zooming in on the tiny logo on the metal belly, discovered that this “Make in India” marvel was proudly “Ordered from China.” Not just China—straight off a Chinese online store, complete with leftover Mandarin stickers and a manual that began with “Dear valued pet owner.”
Within minutes, whispers turned into a diplomatic incident in slow motion.
Galgotias representatives were quietly, then not-so-quietly, asked to leave the event. Security escorted the robodog and its human handlers to the exit like a low-budget spy thriller: “Operation Red Dragon.”
Caught in the crossfire was the poor communication professor, who had apparently signed off the presentation and now had to “communicate” with furious organizers, hyper-nationalist officials, and a VC asking the only serious question of the summit: “Refund milega kya?”
As he tried to explain the difference between “concept prototype” and “Alibaba order,” the robodog’s LED eyes blinked in perfect timing, as if mocking him in three languages. By the end of the day, the official narrative was ready: “Due to overwhelming innovation, the demo was concluded early.” Translation: “Chinese dog nikla, nikaal diya.”
When AI Leaders Can’t Compute a Handshake
On the main stage, OpenAI CEO Sam Altman and Anthropic CEO Dario Amodei appeared briefly for a photo-op that will surely be studied in future sociology classes under “Human Confusion Protocols (HCP).”
Facing the cameras, they simultaneously attempted:
- Half-handshake
- Half-bro-hug
- Half-air-pose
- Full awkwardness
For a few glorious seconds, their arms hovered mid-air, frozen like a lagging Zoom call. It was the perfect metaphor: the men leading humanity into a perfectly choreographed AI future could not decide what to do with their own limbs.
A photographer later remarked, “I have seen CAPTCHAs more natural than that.”
Six Kilometers to Nowhere
Due to VIP movement, regular attendees were politely relocated to the distant outskirts of their patience. Security personnel kept repeating the sacred Delhi mantra: “Sir, aage se band hai, peeche se jaiye.”
People who paid tens of thousands for “Premium Access” found themselves achieving “Premium Cardio,” walking 6 kilometers in formal shoes, under the benevolent Delhi sun, clutching tote bags full of brochures they would later throw away.
One delegate summed it up: “I came to learn how AI will change logistics. Instead, logistics changed me.”
Event Management, or the Lack Thereof
The true black box AI at the summit was the event management system. No one knew:
- Which gate was open
- Which session was canceled
- Which badge color meant what
- Why lunch vouchers were more elusive than research grants
Announcements contradicted each other in real time. Hall numbers changed mid-sentence. Sessions listed as “Closed Door” turned out to be “Closed Brain.”
The “Help Desk” stood bravely in the middle of the chaos, offering printed schedules that were outdated before the ink dried.
At the closing ceremony, a senior official declared: “India will lead the world in AI.”
Given the summit, that might actually be true — not because we have cracked artificial intelligence, but because we have perfected artificial order, artificial planning, and artificially optimistic press releases.
If this is the future of AI in India, the machines don’t need to become sentient. They just need to learn two phrases:
“Server down, try again later,” and
“Due to VIP movement, the system is temporarily not available.”
