The Nirvik Bureau, Bhubaneswar, 2 April 2026
Humanity’s long-awaited reunion with the Stone Age is finally here – this time, complete with Wi-Fi, oil futures, and Trump 2.0 explaining it on live TV. President Donald J. Trump declared last night that the United States will “finish Iran in two weeks” and send it “back to the Stone Age where it belongs.” Viewers of the address were reportedly stunned, mostly because they’d assumed we were already there.
Trump, in a 19-minute sermon on “success stories,” beamed with the pride of a man who’s rediscovered caveman diplomacy: when in doubt, bomb it. “Their navy is gone, their air force is gone,” he proclaimed, pausing only to check if his hair was still here. The audience clapped virtually mainly bots, but patriotic ones.
Meanwhile, Israel continued its daily fireworks display over Iranian skies, billed as the “Middle East’s longest-running light show.” Tickets sold out instantly in the global arms market, which saw record profits. A missile manufacturer from Texas thanked God and Trump “for bringing peace closer by blowing it further away.”
Letters from the Fossilized Future
Iran’s President Masoud Pezeshkian penned a heartfelt letter to Americans asking if endless bombing truly serves them. It was a touching gesture. Unfortunately, the letter arrived by drone, and the Pentagon mistook it for a threat, returning it with interest.
Back in Washington, Trump saluted the 13 American soldiers who “laid down their lives so the market could rise again,” emphasizing that their sacrifices ensured no child would ever face a “nuclear Iran.” Economists have since clarified that children might instead face nuclear inflation, but that part didn’t make it to the teleprompter.
Allies, Oil, and Other Fairy Tales
Trump, who still calls NATO a “paper tiger,” urged allies to “build delayed courage” and “take over Hormuz.” Analysts are unsure if Hormuz is a strait or a restaurant in Florida, but either way, the directive was inspiring. He also confirmed the U.S. no longer needs Middle Eastern oil – a claim bravely made while global crude prices climbed like Elon Musk’s ambitions.
Gulf states, meanwhile, thanked Trump for “global support and stylish bunker decor ideas.” Saudi Arabia celebrated by intercepting four drones, while the UAE offered to prototype “missile umbrellas” for civilians. Bahrain merely issued advice to “remain calm and find Wi-Fi before impact.”
The Global Caravan to the Caveman Era
As missiles whistled over the Levant and oil touched $106 a barrel, analysts concluded that the promised Stone Age might actually be more expensive than the current one. Cynics suggest the war isn’t about ideology, freedom, or democracy—but about nostalgia. After all, nothing unites the modern world like a longing for simpler times, when disputes were settled with clubs instead of cluster bombs.
And so, as the dust of progress glows under the light of precision warheads, President Trump can proudly declare his signature achievement: turning civilization full circle—back to the Stone Age… now in Ultra HD.
