The Nirvik Bureau, Bhubaneswar, 17 August 2026
A new national screening test promises to distinguish terrorists from people with inconvenient opinions
In a major administrative breakthrough, the government has reportedly simplified the ancient and complicated question of political disagreement into a handy three-point checklist.
No longer will India need courts, evidence, investigations, context, constitutional debate, historical knowledge, or even a working attention span. A citizen merely has to answer three questions:
- Do you support Maoists and reject the Constitution?
- Do you support separatists and Article 370?
- Do you wish to cut the Chicken’s Neck?
If the answer is “yes,” congratulations: you are a Dimagi Naxal. If the answer is “no,” please wait. Your facial expression is being assessed.
The term, until recently floating freely in the national atmosphere like pollen, smog and prime-time outrage, has now been given official-ish contours. The clarification assures the public that it is not aimed at Opposition leaders. It merely applies to people who think like Opposition leaders on certain days, speak like Opposition leaders on television, ask questions like Opposition leaders in Parliament, or use words such as “Constitution,” “federalism,” and “accountability” without visibly trembling.
The Constitution Is Safe – From Anyone Mentioning It Incorrectly
The first qualification is especially elegant: support Maoists and reject the Constitution. This is reassuring because the Constitution has always been safest when guarded by people who decide, without trial, who is emotionally rejecting it.
Previously, rejecting the Constitution involved such tedious acts as overthrowing democratic institutions, promoting violence, or refusing legal authority. Now it can reportedly be detected by more sophisticated methods: asking whether a policy should be debated, objecting to an arrest, or displaying nostalgia for the minor inconvenience called due process.
Experts say the classification may soon expand. Citizens who read the Preamble aloud with insufficient patriotic background music could be asked to explain themselves. Those found carrying pocket Constitutions may be questioned about why they need such a suspiciously small book.
Article 370: The Most Dangerous Article Since Editorial Writing
The second qualification offers an even more advanced innovation in political science: if you support Article 370, you may be supporting separatists; if you support separatists, you may be a Dimagi Naxal; and if you deny being one, that is exactly what a Dimagi Naxal would do.
This solves the problem of ideological complexity. There is no longer any need to distinguish between someone advocating constitutional restoration, someone debating federalism, someone defending civil liberties, and someone plotting secession. All these categories can now be efficiently placed in one large national folder marked: “Potentially Annoying.”
The folder is expected to be stored beside other essential democratic documents, including “Anti-National,” “Toolkit,” “Foreign Hand,” and “Please Don’t Ask Follow-Up Questions.”
Protect the Chicken’s Neck – And Check Its Politics
The third category concerns the Siliguri Corridor, popularly called the Chicken’s Neck. For decades, this narrow strip has connected the Northeast to mainland India. It has now acquired an additional responsibility: connecting every dissenting voice to an accusation of national sabotage.
Naturally, anyone discussing the corridor must be careful. Geography has become a sensitive subject. One must not merely know where the Chicken’s Neck is; one must demonstrate affection for it. Future school examinations may ask: “Draw the Siliguri Corridor and write 500 words explaining why you would never emotionally harm it.”
A wrong answer could lead to immediate classification under the new National Thought Management Programme.
The Great Comfort: It’s “Not About the Opposition”
Ministers have helpfully clarified that the label is not for Opposition leaders as such. It is only for people who support Maoists, separatism, Article 370, dangerous geography, constitutional questions, independent thought, or the alarming habit of disagreeing before checking whether disagreement has been officially cleared.
So the public may relax. Nobody is being targeted.
Only categories are.
