Sanctimonia Binocs, Bhubaneswar, 17 October 2025
Hark, ye perpetually harried and economically squeezed citizens of Sanctimonia! Our King has returned from his international spat red-faced, not due to embarrassment, but due to fury. Having departed for the neighboring sovereign state to champion a dubious cause – an allegation of girl assault – His Majesty King Thaddeus (a new name opted by the majesty) found himself utterly exposed. The rival Queen, it appears, possessed the rather inconvenient virtue of facts, which decisively debunked the King’s narrative, leaving his moral grandstanding deflated like an old balloon at a royal wedding, and His Majesty enraged by the inconvenient truth.
But in Sanctimonia, a crisis of credibility is merely a prelude to a political spectacle. With his face still ruddy from international embarrassment and anger, the King has pivoted directly to the upcoming Nuapada by-election, a contest already steeped in constitutional absurdity. The famed ‘kin-only’ rule for candidates now faces an insurmountable obstacle: the mandatory DNA and Bloodline tests, intended to establish lineage, have proven utterly inconclusive. The results, as cryptic as the prophecies of the Royal Seer, mean that no one, legally or genetically, can be definitively identified as ‘kin.’ The election now proceeds in a thrilling vacuum of actual eligibility, transforming a solemn constitutional process into an open, yet highly exclusive, free-for-all.
As if the political chaos weren’t enough, the Kingdom has been gripped by a wave of sacrilege: the Holy Triad Mahaprasad, the divine offering deemed priceless, is now being sold via a glossy, unauthorized e-commerce portal. Initial inquiries into this brazen commercialization of the sacred point directly to a slimy conspiracy orchestrated by none other than the opportunistic Law Minister and his shadowy accomplice, Brutus. Citizens, who once trusted the state to uphold their faith, now see their devotion weaponized for profit, with the holy offering available for express delivery—complete with tracking numbers and optional gift wrap, naturally.
Minister’s Muddle and the Manifesto of Mutts
Meanwhile, the beleaguered Urban Development Minister—a man who once swore he’d seen it all – finds himself besieged by a genuine urban plague: forty thousand stray dogs now roam the capital, turning pedestrian plazas into canine conventions. Faced with this existential crisis of civic order, the Minister was paralyzed, unable to determine if the appropriate solution was a mass rehoming initiative or perhaps a city-wide obedience school.
Enter King Thaddeus, seizing the perfect populist plank. Disdaining the sensible, the King has decreed he will take a rotating cohort of the dogs on his Nuapada campaign trail. This audacious display, designed to show “netizens he cares,” will be packaged as a central election manifesto promise: the construction of state-of-the-art, air-conditioned Royal Kennels. Never mind the crumbling infrastructure or the inconclusive gene pool; Sanctimonia’s next great commitment is to Canine Consequence, offering better housing to stray terriers than to half the peasantry. The political arena, already a circus, gained a new ringmaster as the Royal Jester, Flibbertigibbet the Vague, also nominated a candidate – a talking parrot, naturally—complete with its own competing manifesto promising ‘Free Seed for Every Serf’ and a guarantee of ‘100% conclusive results on all Kinship Tests, guaranteed or your money back!’
Mela Mania and the Gastronomic Crunch
As political absurdity reaches a fever pitch, winter has delivered its annual cultural balm. The great exhibition ground is now a central vortex of civic life, hosting the highly popular Terracotta, Textile, and Advasi Melas. The cultural outpouring is a triumph, drawing citizens in droves to celebrate ancient crafts and vibrant weaving.
However, joy has a price, and in Sanctimonia, that price is usually paid in time and rupees. The police department is in a perpetual state of nervous breakdown, struggling to untangle the resulting traffic Gordian Knot. Yet, a more insidious trouble looms. The throngs bring with them countless temporary food stalls, each demanding a continuous supply of fresh produce. Netizens, hardened by years of political drama, are now bracing for the inevitable: the economic ripple effect. The sudden, enormous demand for ingredients will, by the simplest laws of Sanctimonian supply and demand, send the prices of common vegetables soaring to stratospheric heights. Soon, one will need a King’s ransom merely to afford a modest turnip. Thus, the pursuit of culture will lead directly to the crisis of cuisine.
Such is the state of the Kingdom: where royal scandals are solved by dog policy, elections ignore genetic proof, and a pleasant cultural outing culminates in market inflation and sacred betrayal.
